Self-Esteem, A Strange Twist, And Purpose

I've been thinking lately about self-esteem...specifically MY self-esteem or the lack thereof. I've been wondering why it is that some people appear confident and comfortable with who they are, while others, like myself......well......are not. I have battled this problem my entire life, but lately it's been a bit more severe. There are many variables that could be exacerbating this problem, but regardless, it is miserable to look in the mirror and not like what you see.....inside or outside.

I Googled, "Self-Esteem" the other day to see how it was defined, and it said, "Self-Esteem" is a term used in psychology to reflect a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth". It made me think about when we bought our house, and the bank would not allow us to pick the appraiser  - the bank selected  their own appraiser so the evaluation would be honest and objective. I thought how nice it would be if I could delete my thoughts that appraise and evaluate my own worth, and look at it through say, my husbands eyes or my mothers eyes. Maybe my worth would feel more valuable.

I'm really not sure where to begin the process of changing my thinking. I've always based my self-worth on whether or not people love me. It's an exhausting way to live, and it comes with a lot of disappointment. When I was a young mother I wanted desperately for my children to grow up feeling loved. I wasn't sure why I felt so bad about myself, so if I could do one thing in life it would be to raise children who felt loved. It was all I lived for......my whole purpose was loving them and hoping they felt that love. Now that they are grown with families of their own I find I still do all I can to be a good mother, but the strange twist is I do it desperately hoping they they feel love for me, and of course, I base my value and even my success as a mother on their love.

While raising children I felt I had a purpose...it felt good feeling needed, and to serve those I loved. That life is over, and I struggle to find a new purpose. One reason I love working in the medical field is....people need me - not me specifically, but I am able to serve those in need. It feels good.

Maybe I should look within myself and realize I am in need of love.....from myself. Sometimes I feel sad for me. I would never in a million years treat anyone else like I treat myself. I would never say such derogatory things about other people, but I say them to me. So maybe my purpose for awhile should be to focus on learning to look within myself and nuture and love who I am.

I'm a nice person.

That's a start.